As you may or may not know, I recently concluded a lenghty stay in San Angelo. I was hoping to play a lot of golf, but the raging heat saw to it that I wouldn’t be doing that. On any given day during my stay you could walk outside and within 5 minutes be sweating like Michael Jackson at a boy scout convention.
What? Too soon?
Anyways, to occupy my time, I decided to swap bedrooms in the house. For many years I have coveted the bedroom facing the street, and since I had the spare time, I took all the stuff in there out and moved my shit in. In the process I came across some relics from the good ol’ Bonham days. One of which was an achievement certificate from 1995, from PE class. Apparently one day I successfully jumped rope 30 consecutive times. That got me to thinking about all the good times in elementary school PE. Most notably…yeah, some of you know what I’m talking about……dodgeball. It was pretty much assured that at least once a week during my 7 wonderful years at Bonham that for half an hour we would be encouraged to take some rubber balls, run around with them, and with the proper amount of speed, power, skill, and mean spiritedness…hopefully smoke somebody right in the face. In all my life, very few things have been able to equal the fun level of dodgeball days. You could pretty much lump your dodgeball players into one of three categories.
1.) Aggressors: These were typically guys. Most often assholes. In some cases the quiet type who enjoyed the time to take a little bit back from some of the douchebags that were kinda mean to him/her for no real good reason (Jason Bodiford…do you read my blog??). There were also a handful that fell into this group despite not being particularly interested in the game, but because they refused to become part of group 2.
2.) Pacifists: These were almost exclusively your outcasts. They are the ones picked on constantly, weird in many different ways, and not physically capable of succeeding in a game of dodgeball. They lurk at the very back of the playing area, hoping to Christ that everybody just forgets they’re there. The 30 minute dodgeball game feels like days. Have you seen Patton? Remember the guy in the medical tent who wasn’t injured but “couldn’t take it anymore” because of his “nerves,” and Patton bitch slaps him over the head and calls him a coward. That’s who I’m talking about here.
3.) Girls: Nobody was ever exempt. Everybody had to play, even the ladies. Chivalry was not dead (yet), and unless a girl was obviously a member of group 1, the group 1 members were typically good enough to leave them alone.
So those are the participants. So how about the game dynamic. It typically went like clockwork. The group 1’s would be on the front lines trying to land a kill shot on the opposing 1’s, the 3’s would be congregated kinda together, and the 2’s would often be fixated on one or two guys they were particularly terrified of knowing they are dangerous. Often the attentive 1 would realize he was not being monitered by a particular 2 and would launch a half court surprise attack. If successful, tears would probably result, as well as much laughter and some high fives. It was a beautiful thing, really. Modern warfare amongst 6-12 year olds on the playground. It built character. It separated the strong from the weak. It also served as an effective scouting tool for purposes of team picking for the recess football game.
Dodgeball was a priviledge bestowed upon several generations of good honest Americans. It builds all the developing motor skills at that age and develops character. And now it has disappeared, thanks to a couple of moms who were upset because little Timmy couldn’t hack it. Dodgeball does, afterall, promote violence, bullying, caused the Titanic to sink, and is a known carcinogen. Please. I played this wonderful game for years, and not once did I see anybody get hurt. More people got hurt on the shoddy playground equipment than playing dodgeball. Hell, one time I got hit right in the face and it knocked out a loose tooth I was too scared to yank out on my own.
The same people who rallied for the abolishment of dodgeball from the playgrounds of this great land are the same assholes who have led to the playing of youth sports at the youngest ages…all sports…football, basketball, tee ball, soccer, literally everything…without keeping score. And, my favorite…the participation trophy. Because we don’t want anybody’s feelings getting hurt. Can any of you really even fathom this? I mean this whole nonsense came mostly after our youngest youth sports playing days. Did everyone wake up one day and forget that in order to have competition, there must be winners and losers? That when you lose, it is much easier to identify weakness areas and improve as an athlete and a person? “But it promotes team building and interpersonal skills, and good sportsmanship!” says idiotic mom of unathletic Timmy. Incorrect. Being on a team promotes team building and interpersonal skills. Winning a game and telling an opposing player they fought hard promotes good sportsmanship. Losing a game and congratulating an opposing team member for a good performance promotes good sportsmanship. And, idiotic mom of young kid…if you were doing your job as a parent instead of worrying so much about the scoreboard saying 0-0 and the trophies for the 8th place team in an 8 team baseball tournament I bet little Timmy would be equipped to do those things.
How are these lessons we’re now teaching our young athletes in any possible way good? I can’t say for certain, but I bet when John McCain lost the election, nobody walked up to him, told him it was a split vote and him and Obama both get to run the country. I also feel confident that when Dr. Whoever accidentally took out patient X’s wrong kidney, the nurses did not dress up as cheerleaders and do a quick rah-rah and present him with a trophy for giving it a whirl. When Michael Crabtree caught that miracle pass against Texas, after the game Brent Mussberger did not go up to Colt McCoy and say, “It’s ok, son! You’ll still be #1 in the BCS rankings come Monday. And so will Texas Tech, and USC, and OU, and Penn State, and Florida, and ‘Bama! Everybody is a champion around here!” I can confirm this, I was there.
What in the hell is going to happen when the 5 year olds playing youth sports right now through this nonsense are finally allowed to lose a game…or worse yet, don’t make a team?!
These two developments, I think, are going to lead to an entire generation or two of weak willed sissies who have never won a game (or known it, anyways) or gotten hit in the face with a dodgeball. Traits that will all come in real handy when we go to war with China in 30 years or so.
So here’s what I’m going to do. I am going to create a youth sports league, complete with all your core sports. Score will be kept in all games, in all age levels. Trophies will be awarded for 1st place only. Maybe a medal or something for runner up. To maintain eligability in my league, you must participate in one game of dodgeball as a team building activity at least once every 2 weeks.
So friends, as we all near (or have already reached) child producing and raising times in our lives, keep this in mind, and don’t let your kids play in leagues that send terrible, TERRIBLE messages. Do your part to make America great again.
“Charlie, you are an idiot. Your blog sucks, this was the stupidest post I’ve ever read. Your life is an epic failure. The opinions, thoughts, and stories you express in your blogs are proof that no god exists, because no just and loving god would create somebody capable of such absurd, innane thoughts.”
That all might just be true. But I don’t care. Know why? The Happy Good Feelings Fairy dropped by, and handed me this, just for trying.
Go me.
End.
