NFL v2010

As Vince Vaughn so eloquently put it in the modern comedy classic Wedding Crashers, “Can’t let a little pissin’ and moaning stand in the way of tradition.”

Truer words were never spoken.  And as far as I can tell, we are closing in on damn near a full calendar year since I gave this lame little blog the love and care it so deserves.  I’ve received complaints, threats, as well as indifference and, “you have a sports blog??”  But none of this should stand in the way of a fun exercise I have participated in for what will now be the 6th consecutive year: looking ahead to the upcoming NFL season and forecasting the outcome with approximately 92% spot on accuracy.  And by 92% I mean 3%.  But I will persist, in the odd chance I happen to be right I can look back and say, with documentation, “I told you so.”

So, I have taken a glance into my crystal ball, and here, friends, is what I have seen:

AFC EAST

1. New England- This is under the assumption that Sexy Tom changes his hair back.  They’ll look more like the mid-2000′s Patriots than the 2008-2009 Patriots. 
2. Miami-  I’m not buying into Miami being as good as everyone seems to think.  They’re slightly better than average.  Respectable, no doubt.  But not a threat to do anything we’ll remember more than a week after the season is over.
3. J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets!-  Geez, when was the last time a mediocre at best team was this interesting?!  Oh…right, Dallas every single season.  No matter, Jets will linger around .500 all season, but count on Rex to provide cooler talk every single week. Whether you love, hate, or are apathetic towards these guys, you know you’ll be interested on a week to week basis.  Will the defense be able to pull up the offense and the Sanchize’s guaranteed 3 turnovers per week?  Has LT found the fountain of youth?  Will the oppositions’ #1 WR get stranded on Revis Island every single week, like last season?  Why can’t Hard Knocks just stick around all season???
4. Buffalo- On the clock.

AFC SOUTH

1. Indy-  Whatever.  We can hope Peytonface blows out a knee or something.
2. Houston- Why not?  With Matt Leinart, anything is possible!!
3. Tennessee- I really wish I could put them higher, but I’ve looked at their schedule and I see exactly 8 wins.  Of course VY has demonstrated that all he does is win, so I won’t be surprised to see them with 9, 10, or 11 W’s…but I find this scenario unlikely, although more tasteful than seeing Indy and Houston above them in the standings.
4. Jacksonville- Quick, name one person on the roster not named Maurice Jones-Drew. 

AFC NORTH

1. Cincinnati/Baltimore- A cop-out?  Maybe, but not really.  One of these two teams will win the division and the other one will be an AFC wildcard.  They’re both legit Super Bowl contenders.  Collectively these two teams possess the most ridiculously dangerous bunch of ball catching receivers, tight ends, and running backs in the league. 
2. Cincinnati/Baltimore- See above.
3. Pittsburgh- I’m very disappointed in the injury to Byron Slowmoves Leftwich.  Steelers are much better off with Dennis Dixon, and thus have a better chance of defeating a certain Florida based team in Week 4.  Nonetheless, even 9 wins might not be enough with Cincinnati and Baltimore in this division, but these guys are going to be a reasonably strong squad (and maybe not a bad longshot to take on a Super Bowl future at…I think 22-1.  But gambling is a sin, so don’t do that). 
4. Cleveland-  It’s not altogether unlikely we hear Fox’s 3rd string JV play by play team say this during the second quarter of Cleveland’s week 1 visit to Tampa: “After his 5th turnover it appears that Jake Delhomme is leaving Raymond James Stadium.  And…yes, you can see Colt McCoy warming up on the Browns’ sideline as the Bucs offense takes the field…again.”

AFC WEST

1. San Diego- They’re just kinda the winner by default.  However, this division isn’t going to be the pillowfight it has been the last several seasons. 
2. Da Raydas- 9 wins and a playoff berth.  You heard it here first. 
3. Denver-  I genuinely feel bad for these guys.  Injuries everywhere, grumpy players, a coach nobody is sure what to make of (still), and a fairly difficult schedule is going to make for a frustrating season.  Of course, Tim Tebow might increase his minimum number of daily prayers from 30 to 45, and that might be good enough for 8-8.  
4. Kansas City-  They’re still a team??

Now, onto the much more important conference:

NFC NORTH

1. Green Bay- Aaron Rodgers is poised to jump into the Manning/Brady/Brees conversation.  Naturally, that will take a couple more, or 3 or 4 seasons, but we can all see it coming.  He’s about to have a huge year.  It might not be too far-fetched to think GB is the class of the NFC.  If not, they’re def not far behind. 

2. Minnesota- Again, kinda by default.  They’re just not in the same class as Green Bay…mostly because of some injuries and because I don’t trust 86-year-old Brett Favre to remain healthy for 16 games.  Still a good squad though, and Jared Allen remains one of my favorite guys in the league, both to watch and listen to.  Maybe Percy Harvin should consult Terrell Davis on how to deal with migraines. 

3. Detroit- That’s right!  Not bringing up the rear.  I love the direction this team is heading.  Stafford is still a couple of years away, I think, but is still a more serviceable QB than Mark Sanchez right now.  He could toss 2 TD’s per game to Calvin Johnson on accident.  The offseason was spent trying to do literally anything with their atrocious defense, and I think some things were accomplished.  Mark these guys down for 5 or 6 wins.  It’s just a matter of seeing which teams needing a win in weeks 13-17 they’re going to REALLY piss off by beating. 

4. Chicago- It’s a good thing the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, because this is going to be a long season for Da Bears.  J-Cut has done less than nothing to show he’s improved any from his disaster of a first season in Chicago.  He still has nobody to throw to.  Matt Forte has had one real good season and one real bad season.  One of them was a fluke, and I tend to think it was the former.  Julius Peppers isn’t as exciting a signing as everybody thinks (although I’m still glad to see him out of the NFC South).  They will be losing at home to Detroit week 1…and that will set the tone for a 4 or 5 win season. 

THE BEAST

1. Dallas- First of all, can we please lose this division nickname.  It’s been a while since the NFC East has been the roughest division in the league.  Today, the start of the 2010 season, I judge it to be the 4th best.  Anywho…thanks to the fact that Donovan McNabb downgraded teams, the Eagles being stuck with a year of breaking in Kevin Kolb as a starter, and NYG being potentially really good or really, really bad…Dallas will have little trouble taking this thing down.  Good thing you can count on a playoff gag just as you can depend on the sun rising in the East, otherwise I’d be concerned about having to watch them play in a Super Bowl at home.  Luckily…not an issue.
2. NYG- Really giving them the benefit of the doubt.  They were painful to watch at times last year, but I’m feeling a little bit of a rebound.  It could be enough to get into the playoffs, but it will definitely be enough to be better than…
3. Washington- …whose anchor on defense is turning into a fat, less impactful version of (T)eam (O)bliterator.  You can count on McNabb missing at least 3 games with some sort of injury.  Just not enough weapons.  And with Rex Grossman your pick me up should McNabb hit the deck…oy.  It wouldn’t be shocking if McNabb goes huge and their 2003 all-pro backfield finds some lightening in a bottle, I still see a whole lot of big names producing a mediocre product in the nation’s capital. 
4. Philly- I don’t trust Kevin Kolb.  I don’t trust Andy Reid’s play calling.  I don’t trust their ability to deal with a really rough schedule (I count 12 games they’re more likely to lose than win, and one more that is probably a toss-up).  DeSean Jackson will probably do some cool things though.  And maybe Hank Baskett’s wife will get some facetime on the tube towards the end of their blowout losses.

NFC WEST

1. San Francisco- Ok, last year I had the 49ers tabbed for a breakout year.  I had the Cardinals falling off, and SF taking the division.  I was only a year off, which really isn’t that bad.  There’s always one team in this division that’s pretty good, and cruises to a division title because everybody else is so horrible.  It’s clear who that is this year.  Alex Smith is…aight.  That’s ok, though, because he’s going to get the “Ok, Alex…just don’t shit the bed too badly and we’ll be fine” treatment.  Crabtree is going to catch a grip of balls, as will Vernon Davis.  Patrick Willis might end Sam Bradford’s career.  They’ll have the division locked up by week 14. 
2. Seattle- Why not?  They can’t be any worse than Arizona is going to be.
3. Arizona- Why not? They can’t be any worse than St. Louis is going to be.  This will be one of the biggest dropoffs from one year to the next any of us will have ever seen.  Who’s that I see under center?  Is that…Derek Anderson???  Does anybody remember that epic duel between him and Trent Edwards in that pillowfight the Browns and Bills had last year??  Possibly the worst game two professional quarterbacks have ever played against each other.  Yet he’s the guy.  Just to exemplify further how much Derek Anderson sucks…Cleveland fans are STOKED about Jake Delhomme.  Jake Delhomme is an upgrade from Derek Anderson.  By week 3 Larry Fitzgerald and Ken Wisenhut will show up at Kurt Warner’s door with a suitcase full of Benjamins, on their knees.  And he’s just going to keep dancing, and the Cardinals will proceed to lose 11 or 12 games.  But that’s still not as bad as…
4. St. Louis- who have a rookie quarterback who looks a whole lot like a rookie quarterback.  This isn’t a Joe Flacco or Matt Ryan or Mark Sanchez situation here.  There is less than zero talent on this team, their #1 WR (who I’d never even heard of to begin with) is done for the season already, they have no offensive line to speak of, and an even less existent defense.  I almost feel bad for them.  ALMOST.  But hey…maybe Danny Amendola will have a breakout year!!! Bahahaha. 

NFC SOUTH

1. Hotlanta- Still love this team.  I had them in the Super Bowl last season, and that prognostication got derailed by some injuries and the fact the Saints decided to have a freakishly awesome 4 months.  DESPITE that, the Falcons still managed 9 wins.  Now everybody is 100%, and Matt Ryan, Turner, and Roddy White can pick up where they left off in 2008.  We just need to get Jamaal Anderson to make a cameo at a practice to teach the Dirty Bird.
2. New Orleans- History teaches us that defending Super Bowl champions have a rough go the following year.  The Saints will fare better than most, but will still have what many consider a disappointing season.  Don’t forget, since the divisional realignment, no team has repeated as NFC South champion.  And so it will continue.
3. Tampa- Everybody is drinking Hateraid when they talk about my Bucs.  Kinda hurts my feelings.  It’s not like it’s unfounded, but the truth in the matter is that everybody who has them pegged for 2 or 3 wins (that means you, Peter King, Mike & Mike, John Clayton, and Adam Scheffter) probably just haven’t taken more than 10 minutes to see what’s going on in Tampa.  Which, honestly is also understandable.  Nonetheless, they’re not as bad as everybody thinks.  Last season I looked at the schedule and though, “Oh my god…I see ONE game we should win.”  And I was spot on.  Thank god I was emotionally prepared.  This year, I see 5 very winnable games and a couple more that ae reasonable matchups.  There will be moments of terrible.  The starting lineup will have 8 guys in either their rookie or 2nd season.  But there will be some big plays, some excitement, and some hope following the low point of my Buc-loving life that was the 2009 debacle.  Like the Lions, the Bucs are going to piss some people off.
4. Carolina- They’ll be able to run the ball like always, that much is sure.  I’m just not sure they can do anything else.  And in a pass happy league I’m not thrilled with the chances of a team whose field general is Matt Moore.  But hey…anything is better than Jake Delhomme.  Except Derek Anderson. 

AFC Wildcard

• Bengals defeat Raiders
• Ravens defeat Patriots

NFC Wildcard

• Saints defeat Cowboys
• Giants defeat 49ers

AFC Divisional Round

• Colts defeat Ravens
• Bengals defeat Chargers

NFC Divisional Round

• Packers defeat Giants
• Falcons defeat Saints

AFC Championship

• Colts defeat Bengals

NFC Championship

• Falcons defeat Packers

Super Bowl XLV

• Falcons defeat Colts

And there you have it.  We may as well not even bother with playing the season, because that’s the way it’s going down.  Only…I bet I missed at least half of the playoff teams and probably 3 division winners. 

So let’s just kick back and do the damn thing. 

And let’s be sure to enjoy it.  We might not get to do it again until 2012. 

End.

Was That Will Farrell Wearing a Huskies Helmet??

Do you remember the days when parody was reserved almost exclusively for Saturday Night Live and other humorous sketch TV shows?  I do.  It hasn’t even been that long ago. 

I’m sure most of you have noticed, however, that it has engulfed pretty much every major North American sport except basketball.  And let’s face it…the NBA is better when the only teams that make a shit are LA, Boston, Lebron, San Antonio, and Dallas, anyway. 

I remember watching NFL Primetime when I was probably 10 years old and hearing Chris Berman ending an upset highlight reel by saying, “And THAT’S why they play the game!”  It has now gotten to the point where that’s how I feel about once every hour and a half on college football Saturdays, and at least twice every Sunday.  College football has gotten more and more ass backwards every year for several years now, but it’s just out of control now.  It’s week 3, and think about what has already happened.  Ohio State damn near lost to Navy.  BYU came to Texas and beat OU (and don’t play the Sam Bradford getting hurt card, either.  They would have won that game had Jesus Christ himself been under center for the dirty Sooners.  So BYU is pumped, right?  They crack the top 10, by far the roughest game on their schedule has a W next to it.  So…they celebrate by getting shit on AT HOME by almost 30 points by an unranked team.  USC forgets to take the field against a piss poor Pac-10 team for the 74th consecutive year.  Oklahoma State is relevant for the first time in decades and they celebrate by losing to Houston.  Texas, who everybody has already penciled in to play for the national championship against Florida looked quite pedestrian tonight against Texas Tech, who might end up being the 3rd worst team in the Big XII when the season is said and done.  It just goes on and on. 

I’m not complaining, mind you.  Saturdays are now infinately more fun knowing that when the day is over there will have been at least three major upsets.  Well, until it happens to Texas anyways.  Then I’ll just sulk for a couple of weeks.

But I digress.  What’s my point?  Let’s get rid of all polls, rankings, lists…any and all ordering systems for college football teams until week 8.  It’s just nonsesnse to do it any sooner than that.  When the new AP poll comes out around noon, it will be #1 Florida and #2 Texas.  Fine.  But if you have watched the games the two teams that have CLEARLY played the best football thus far are…Miami and Ol’ Miss.  Or perhaps Miami and Bama.  One way or another, it’s ridiculous to be trying to rank these teams even now, much less before the season starts.  So please, lets just stop.  K? K.

I’m pumped for some NFL week two.  Some bigtime early season games on tap, such as NO-PHI and NYG-DAL.  I’m looking elsewhere for my NFL fun this week, though.  Sticking with the parody theme, I’ve got a couple of outlandish upset specials.  I have done nothing but piss all over Jake Delhomme for approximately 4 years.  So it makes perfect sense that I would go and practically guarantee that the Panthers are going to beat Atlanta, who as I’ve made exceedingly clear I am very high on.  Also, go ahead and look foreward to the Bengals heading into Lambeau and taking down the Packers. 

Seriously.  You heard it here first.

And when Delhomme tosses 9 more interceptions and the Packers win a 20-3 snoozer, feel free to come here and mock me. 

End.

Various Things

As you doubtless have noticed, I have once again been mysteriously absent for a while.  For that, I truly do apologize.  However, in fairness, I had to move from Lubbock to Frisco.  Once I arrived I was without internet for five days.  Then I had internet for a couple days and my network card pissed its pants and I was without internet for another 5 days (thanks, long holiday weekend!).  Now, though…I am settled.  I am connected.  And god knows I’ve got some free time on my hands, so you’ll be hearing plenty from me in the upcoming weeks, hopefully. 

So, first things first.  The long awaited NFL season has finally graced us with its arrival.  And what did we learn?? 

1.)  The 2nd of my five bold predictions is going to come to fruition in a hurry.  Good god is Jake Delhomme terrible.  I’ve been screaming about what a joke he is for like 3 years.  Nobody listened.  Everybody sure seems to have noticed now.  I realize nobody really has much reason to watch the Panthers unless they’re playing your team, but little hints (and sometimes big hints) about Jake Delhomme’s terribleness have pervaded for years now.  It is not a phenomenon curious to Week 1 and that playoff game last season.  Just take my word for it.  He will be an NFL starter for no more than 3 more weeks. 

2.)  Dallas might be 12-4.  They might also be 7-9.

I really want to keep going but I just can’t get over Jake Delhomme.  His stat line yesterday?  1 of 46, 23 yards, 9 interceptions, 5 lost fumbles, sacked 16 times.  I mean, I didn’t look those up, I’m just guesstimating.  I mean, it couldn’t have been MUCH better than that, anyways.  Accurate enough for me. 

That’s about all on the NFL I’ve got.  There’s no real point in trying to draw TOO many conclusions from Week 1.  And there’s no real point in just providing summaries of what happened.  We know what happened.  I’ve got something more exciting to share, anyways. 

I live about 8 blocks away from the Dallas Stars training facility.  Training camp opened up yesterday, and it just so happens that all of their practices are open to the public.  But not only did they practice yesterday, they opened up camp with a lively scrimmage.  No way was I missing out on that.  I felt like a 7 year old on Christmas morning.  For an hour, I was mere feet away from the greatest American hockey player to ever grace our little planet.

Jared,  I saw your comment on my last post while I was disconnected from the world via email alert on my phone.  It was difficult to respond that way.  I had actually already thought about hitting that game up.  At the very least I’m sure I’ll have some friends coming down to it and I’ll head over and do some tailgating and what not.  It will also hinge on my Thanksgiving plans.  If I recall it’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving.  Just let me know what you might be planning as it gets a little close, and I will do likewise. 

I’ve got a few things brewing for this blog, but that’s all for now.  I just thought two or three of you might like to know that I am, in fact, still alive. 

End.

2009 NFL Preview And Prognostications

 
Friends, lovers, enemies…it is that time.  It is time for me to make my annual NFL predictions public knowledge.  Going back to the LiveJournal days, this traditional post became just about the only post that ever got a second glance or any comments at all.  People do love their NFL football. 

Before we proceed, let’s consider briefly just how little I know about life, and football.  Last year I went with a Saints-Chargers Super Bowl.  Luckily, the Saints didn’t even make the playoffs.  I correctly predicted 4 divisions, which a chimp could do by throwing feces at logos on a wall. 

So here’s what I’ve got.  Divisional breakdowns, short and sweet.  No reason for overkill.  Playoff predictions.  And an eventual Super Bowl winner.  I’ll follow that up with a few bold predictions.  Five of them, to be exact.  And without further delay, lets check out what’s going down in the AFC:

North:  I’m sure the Ravens are going to be a trendy pick, and that’s reasonable enough.  I don’t buy it though.  They’ll be solid, that much is sure.  I just don’t like a couple pieces they lost in free agency.  They’re not ready to dethrone the Steelers quite yet.  I don’t think there’s any real reason to even bother with the Browns and Bengals.  Consider them dismissed.  Cincy at least won’t be an embarassment, though.  I’ve got them at around 7-9.  Roethlisberger will continue to not lose games, and they’ll win 11 or 12 games, and take their annual spot in the playoffs as a division winner. 

East:  Patriots.  14-2.  Miami might contend for a wild card but will fall short.  Buffalo and NYJ retain their annual also ran status.  Yeah, that’s all that’s neccessary there, I think. 

South:  As far as I’m concerned this is easily the least interesting/entertaining division in football.  The only thing from this division I like is the possibility of somebody making Peyton Mannings knees explode.  Other than that, I’ll pass on watching him make 9 presnap audilbles EVERY SINGLE PLAY, the Titans win 13-6 every week, and…who else is in this division?  The Colts window is closed, and I can’t see them competing in any meaningful way with the Titans.  Tennessee, repeat division winners.  Pencil in 5-7 wins each for JAX and Houston.  And do please wake me up when the AFC South divisional games are over. 

West:  This one is interesting mostly because of the Denver Broncos.  What a total shitshow, eh?  The only way that the Chargers don’t lap the field in this gong show of a division is if either Kyle Orton breaks a leg or the coaching staff realizes sometime between now and kickoff weekend that they will win several more games with Chris Simms than Orton.  Want some must see tv?  Tune in to the first Denver home game and just pray Orton tosses an interception.  Judging by the reception he his gotten from othe unfortunate fans in Denver, the second he accounts for a touchdown for the opposing team I think the stands might just empty onto the field and the first public hanging in decades will occur right there on the 50 yard line at Mile High.  Barring a miracle of some sorts (which, we saw in this division last year when Denver gagged away the most sure division title ever), San Diego will win this division comfortably.  Cassell is going to be sacrificed on a weekly basis and the Raiders are a circus.  It’ll all hinge on Denver, and I just can’t see it coming together for them. 

Now on to the NFC, which is of much greater interest to us all.

North:  Everybody is all over the Vikings nuts because now they have Adrian “Dirty Sooner” Peterson AND a quarterback not named Gus Frerotte or Tarvaris Jackson.  It seems many want to go ahead and just hand them the NFC.  I see it, they’re going to be a solid squad.  But why does everybody conveniently forget that Brett Favre has thrown more interceptions than any quarterback to ever play?  Yeah, he won some games for the Jets last year.  And he’s going to win some games for the Vikings this year.  But he lost some games too, just like he’s going to lose some (probably at critical times) for the Vikings.  I think I like Green Bay.  Rodgers is going to be a pretty good QB I think, and I give them a miniscule edge over Minnesota for the division.  Chicago will be more of a factor than last year, but Cutler can only do so much.  As for Detroit…the losing streak will end in week 4 at Soldier Field.  You heard that here first. 

East:  I pick…Giants. Eagles.  Giants.  Cowboys. Giants.  Eagles.  Yeah, the Eagles.  I think.  The Giants are going to cause a lot of problems for a lot of teams, but a couple of very big weapons now gone (Ward and Burress), the onus is really going to be on Little Manning to make some magic happen, and there are at least 25 other QBs in the league I would rather have before him in a “make some magic happen” kinda moment.  Love Brandon Jacobs, though.  He is a fully grown man, and I love watching him run (over people).  I mean, I don’t want to just exclude the Cowboys from the discussion because, really, who the hell knows what they’re going to have in store for everybody.  I just don’t think they’re a legitimate threat to win the division.  I don’t think the Redskins are a legitimate threat to win more than 8 games.  My 2 cents on Vick:  Once he gets back on the field, I truly don’t know how you stop the Eagles offense when he’s on the field.  No matter how you use him, or who else you have out there with him, SOMETHING is going to open up.  If you have him at QB in a wildcat package you have no choice but to play run, but…let’s not forget that the man IS a QB.  You could put McNabb in at QB and have Vick in the backfield as well and do something with that.  Plus Westbrook and Jackson.  Every defensive coordinator who has to face this is going to have ulcers.  Yeah…Eagles.  I’m sure Regis, final answer.

West:  This’ll make your head hurt.  I like the 49ers to win this division.  Seriously.  Mike Singletary is going to get these guys whipped into shape.  Shaun Hill isn’t a terrible QB, and once Crabtree stops being a damn idiot he’ll have more than one target to throw at.  The D has some guys that can play…and most importantly, they play football in the NFC West.  I like what the Cards are doing, but with the exception of Fitzgerald, they don’t have anything that’s THAT much better than what SF has.  Seattle will be a little improved, and you’d think the Rams won’t be 2-14 again, but you can’t think they’ll be in the mix.  It’ll take a couple interesting things happening, but seriously, just hear me out.  San Fran. 

South:  My stomping grounds.  This is a three horse race with the Saints, Panthers, and Falcons.  I pity this entire division.  Brutal schedules all around.  The obvious two against the rest of the division, plus the NFC and AFC East.  Because of the ridiculous degree of scheduling difficulty I am inclined to believe only one team from this division will be in the playoffs, which is a shame because when it comes down to it I guarantee that at least two of them will be more deserving than at least 2 teams that do get it.  Whatever though.  Anyways, Jake Delhomme is god awful and is going to cost Carolina a game at some point that they can’t afford to let slip away.  The Saints offense is going to be explosive as ever, and their defense seems to have gotten the upgrade it needed.  I’m going to give this one to Atlanta.  I can’t talk enough about how much I believe in Matt Ryan.  With them getting some national exposure this season you’ll all get to see what I got to see regularly last year…that he is the real damn deal.  The throws he makes and the leadership and decision making he exhibits are far beyond his days.  5 years from now when Brady and Manning’s glory days are over, we’re going to be talking about Matt Ryan being the most dominant QB around.  He’s going to pull a win out for Atlanta at some point that is going to give them a one game edge over the Saints and/or Panthers.  Also, just as an aside, Tampa’s first 7 games: Dallas, @ Buffalo, NYG, @ Washington, @ Philly, Carolina, and then a “home” game in London, England against the f’n Patriots.  My boys are staring down the barrel of an 0-7 gun.   It’s loaded, and ready to fire. 

So, the playoff picture (I figured up the seeds appropriately, I promise):

AFC Wild Card

Titans defeat Ravens

Colts defeat Steelers

NFC Wild Card

Giants defeat 49ers

Falcons defeat Vikings

AFC Divisional

Patriots defeat Colts

Titans defeat Chargers

NFC Divisional

Eagles defeat Giants

Falcons defeat Packers

AFC Championship

Patriots defeat Chargers

NFC Championship

Falcons defeat Eagles

Super Bowl XLIV

Patriots 38 Falcons 27

Thats my story and I’m sticking to it.  Keep this in mind, and when the season is over mock me for how wrong I surely am.

5 Bold Predictions

1. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will be a top 5 rushing team in the league.  There isn’t much that Tampa will be good at this season, but the offensive line is quietly one of the best in the league, and they will be opening up some holes for Derrick Ward, Earnest Graham, and Cadillac Williams.  Too bad they’ve got nothing to go with it.  Also, if you’re a fantasy football player, Williams will be an unbelievable late round pick up.  Just FYI.
2. Jake Delhomme will be the first firmly supported starting QB benched because they are single handedly losing games.  It boggles my mind that this man is still a starting QB in the NFL.  It seems like nobody else realizes just how terrible this guy really is. 
3. TO is going to be a model teammate.  I wish I could justify this, but I can’t. 
4. Adrian Peterson will surpass 1700 rushing yards.  No other running back will gain more than 1400.  Maybe this isn’t that far fetched, but the NFL has really gone through a drastic change in the way teams run the ball the last 4-6 years.  The feature back is a thing of the past.  Peterson will run all over the place, a handful of “primary” runners will hover around 1300, and then there will be a boatload of platoon RB’s all bunched together between 600-900 yards.  Congratulations, Emmitt, your rushing record is untouchable.
5. Carson Palmer is going to remind everybody that just a couple years ago he was considered one of the league’s elite QB’s.  There is a lot of skepticism with this guy after the blown knee and then the elbow issues last year.  I just see comeback player of the year written all over him. 

That’s it, folks.  The only thing you can take to the bank is that 3/4 of everything you just read will never come to fruition. 

End.

And The Defense

Early this morning I delivered my hand picked offense for the football team I want to assemble.  As promised, here is the defense.  2 DE’s, 2 DT’s, 3 LB’s, 2 CB’s, 2 S’s.

DT: Tommie Harris (Bears), Amobi Okoye (Texans)

Harris to me is the most physically imposing run stuffer in the league.  Okoye was drafted in the first round at the age of 19, which itself speaks to his physical freakishness.  He started off a little slow out of the gates but he’s shown incredible improvement.  Too bad the kid’s gotta play for the Texans.  Honorable mention: Haloti Ngata.

DE: Jared Allen (Vikings), Brian Orakpo (Redskins)

Jared Allen has very quietly become one of my favorite players in the league.  The intensity with which he plays the game of football makes me look foward to every Vikings defensive snap, b/c the opposing quarterback could very easily be facing a trip to a hospital.  I want this guy on my team all day, everyday.  Ha, and who will ever forget Dan Orlovski running away from him for dear life last season, and running about 3 yards out of the back of the endzone.  That was classic comedy.  As for Orakpo, I know it’s probably a little shady putting somebody on my list who is yet to play a single NFL snap, but I’ve watched him plenty the last few years and I’m well acquainted with what he can do.  I have no doubt about his ability to transfer what he did in college to the NFL.  With offenses keying on Albert Haynesworth, look for Orakpo to stack up sick numbers this year, and to end up being the guy on the Redskins’ line that you have to worry about, not Haynesworth. 

LB: DeMarcus Ware (Cowboys), Barrett Ruud (Bucs), Lofa Tatupu (Seahawks)

Ware is an easy one.  As far as I’m concerned he is the best player at any position on the defensive side of the ball in the league.  Ruud has been tapped as the face of the Bucs franchise, and for good reason.  Very quietly for the majority of last season he led the league in tackles.  He’s always around the ball.  He forces fumbles, recovers fumbles, and has some pretty decent hands for a linebacker.  Ever since Tatupu came into the league he has proven to be a natural leader and the smartest guys on the field at any given moment.  Let me have these three guys, and no running back will want to break through the line.

CB: Cortland Finnegan (Titans), Ronde Barber (Bucs)

I like my corners to be able to not just come up with the ball every now and then, but it’s nice if they can make a tackle when it’s needed, too.  That’s both of these guys’ trademarks.  Finnegan had more interceptions than any corner in the league last year except Charles Woodson, and had 70 tackles to go along with them and is just about to hit the prime of his career.  Despite being ripped for losing a step, Ronde still had 4 INTs, 1 TD, 2 sacks, and 75 tackles.  Doesn’t really sound like a guy that’s lost a step to me. 

S: John Lynch (Bucs), Steve Atwater (Broncos)

Go to hell.  I can pick whoever I want, this is my team. 

End.

Daybreak Musings

I just made a post on my other blog, and decided I wasn’t quite done spewing worthless drivel from my fingertips. 

I’m listening to Mike and Mike, currently.  Mike and Mike are both gone.  Eric Kusilias and Herm “You Play. To Win. The Game!” Edwards are filling in.  They just played a little game of 5 bold predictions.  Kusilias went first.  His last bold prediction was that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers will be one of the five worst…if not THE worst team in the league this season.  As he was saying this, and justifying it, it made my blood boil.  If at any point from here forth in my life if ever within arm’s reach, I would punch him right in the face.  Not a little love tap, either.  I’d be swinging for the fences.  

Only problem is…he’s right.  In fact, there’s nothing bold about that prediction at all.  Hopefully the Stars will be better this year.

In the spirit of getting into the football mood, I want to do something amusing.  A lot of you, I’m sure, are all into fantasy football.  Fine.  I personally don’t fully get the appeal, and each time I’ve tried it I’ve gotten bored with it around week 3 or 4.  I did however get to thinking, “If I was a GM, and could assemble a team of my choosing and had an…uh…lenient salary cap…who exactly, would be on my squad.  So, I thought about it, and came up with the following offense based on your default offensive set of 1 QB, 1 C, 2 G’s, 2 T’s, 1 TE, 2 WR’s, and 2 RB’s.  Yeah, not a running back and a fullback.  Yeah there’s some still around, but nobody uses a fullback enough for it to really be included.  Anywho, here’s what I’ve got:

QB:  Matt Ryan (Falcons)

My initial instict was Tom Brady (duh).  Yes, right now he is unquestionably the best QB in the NFL.  That is going to last for…maybe 3-5 more years, assuming he stays healthy.  Matt Ryan is going to be an elite QB for the next several years, and I will boldly say that once the reigns of Brady and Manning are over, Matt Ryan will be the most feared QB in the league.  Do not care that he was a rookie last year.  He made throws seasoned veterans can’t make…and even more importantly, he made decisions that seasoned veterans DO.  This kid is the real deal, I promise.  Get used to seeing Atlanta in the playoffs. 

RB:  Brandon Jacobs (Giants), DeAngelo Williams (Panthers)

Brandon Jacobs is impossible to bring down by less than three people if he ever gains more than 5 strides of momentum.  He is an absolute monster.  He is the most punishing runner I’ve seen in a long time, and for  bigger guy he’s not exactly slow.  Williams would be a great compliment to that running style.  Pound pound pound pound pound and then slippery DeAngelo just runs right past everybody for the home run.  What, no Adrian Peterson?  No.  No dirty sooner will ever be on any team of mine. 

C:  Jeff Faine (Bucs)

I’m not being a homer here.  This guy is regarded as one of the best centers in the league, and I’ve been able to see not only the fact that he is, in fact, that skilled, but also what a rock solid locker room presence he is.  Honorable mention: Kevin Mawae.

G:  Louis Vasquez (Chargers), Charlie Johnson (Colts)

After the performance enhancer debacle at his rookie combine, Vasquez has proven to be one of the best up and coming guards in the league.  Peyton Manning rarely finds himself on the ground.  Charlie Johnson started all 16 Colts games last season.  Coincidence? No.  Honorable mention: Davin Joseph.  Again, though…no dirty Sooners.

T:  Richie Incognito (Rams), Flozell Adams (Cowboys)

Stephen Jackson led the league in yards from scrimmage last season (shocking, huh??).  That was made possible because Incognito is one of the best run blockers in the NFL.  Adams is probably the most physically skilled all around O tackle in the league.  I can deal with the 35 yards worth of false starts guaranteed per game.

WR:  Anquan Boldin (Cardinals), Antonio Bryant (Bucs)

My formula here was a big physical guy you can do a lot of things with (Boldin), a guy with some speed who you can spread out the D with, who is still big enough to go up and get a football (Bryant).  Don’t sleep on Bryant and just blow him off because he’s a Buc.  He made some of the sickest catches I’ve ever seen last season.  His turnaround since his arrival in Tampa is stunning.  This is also a contract year for him.  Don’t be surprised if at the end of the season he is in the “Who was the best WR this season?” discussion with Boldin, Calvin Johnson, and Larry Fitzgerald. Honorable mentions: Johnson and Fitzgerald haha.

TE:  Jason Witten (Cowboys)

Easily the best blocking, catching, playmaking TE in the league, hands down. 

Go ahead and tell me how wrong all of those are.  But at least be prepared to name somebody better. 

Defense and special teams to come…

End.

Camping

Nothing gets me going like taking a step away from the internet, tv, the pool, and civilization to reconnect with the earth.  Just me, a friend or two, a couple tents, and good ol’ Mother Earth allowing us to enjoy the land and sky.  Hunting down food with your bare hands, harnessing the power of fire and cooking it to perfection. 

I’m just kidding.  I get a twitch in my right eye if I’m separated from my computer for more than about 8 hours.  I also am a big fan of stoves and running water. 

I’m discussing, of course, the annual milestone marking the turning point of summer.  The great harbinger of the fall…NFL training camps. 

Yes, the summer’s doldrums are winding down.  There are already a smattering of teams who have opened their camp, and by this weekend just about everybody will and all 32 teams will be enjoying two a days. 

As everybody opens up camp, a few things stand out to me as items I plan on keeping tabs on.  As in, I expect that a month from now all of these things will have developed significantly or been completely solved, and I’m eager to see what goes down.  This little list is biased. 

1.) Who the hell is going to be Tampa’s QB?

The Candidates:  Byron Leftwich, Luke McCown, Josh Freeman, Josh Johnson, me, Jeff George, Quincy Carter, Brett Favre, Shane Falco, Jake Plummer.  We were always a mockery at QB b/c Jon Gruden supposedly looooved QB’s so much.  So, he gets fired, and we waste a first round pick on Josh Freeman and sign Byron “Slow Moves” Leftwich as a free agent.  Great.  I’m rooting for Luke McCown.  Any of you holdovers from the LJ days know I’ve always been in his corner.  I think he potentially could be the best QB in the league nobody knows exists.  My suggestion: cut Slow Moves, hand the offense to McCown, bring Freeman along slowly, keep tinkering with the Josh Johnson project.  As it stands though, I’m sure they’ll do the opposite of all of that. Afterall, they haven’t done anything that has made any real sense since December. 

2.) Mike Vick

First of all, the man payed his debt to society and at this point he needs to be allowed to play some ball…ahem, Mr. Goodell.  But that’s beside the point.  The point is that there are a number of teams who would be better with him than without him, and I am interested to see who will stick their neck out and sign him.  My guess…New England.  Speaking of New England…

3.) Tom Brady

If he is back to normal, the Patriots are head and shoulders above every other team in the league.  If he’s not, they have themselves some serious problems.  I’d say that’s worth keeping an eye on, eh?

4.) Dallas Cowboys

No interest in any of their players or how they’re shaping up.  It’s just that for the past couple of years this team has been a circus who we have had crammed down our throats.  I’m pretty sure there was a Sportscenter special sometime last year when Jerry Jones switched toilet paper brands, and another when TO took a nap.  I get that you’re going to report on what people want to hear about, but I think we can all agree that it had gotten way out of hand with these guys.  Now TO is gone, Jessica Simpson is gone, Pac Man is gone.  Cowboys camp opened Wednesday, apparently.  The fact that I didn’t know because the entire ESPN staff didn’t relocate to San Antonio is a good sign for everybody, I think.  The sideshow seems to be gone for the time being, I’m just interested to see how long it lasts.  If the answer is “for a while,” this team might just be able to win a playoff game. 

I know there wasn’t much to this, but this was more for my personal benefit than anything.  Take heed though, my annual NFL preview is on the horizon.  Again, you oldskool LJers know what I’m talking about. 

For now lets just enjoy watching our teams’ rosters develop, some training camp fights, and a never ending stream of “Player X sat out today’s afternoon session with a sore hamstring.”

End.

For You Music Fans

I came across this earlier, and had the best laugh I’ve had in a while.  Most of you will be very familiar with all the clips in this thing.  I wish I was this creative.  Huge props to the guy that did it.  Funny funny stuff.  All I want to know is…where is Herm Edwards’ “You play…to win…THE GAME!” clip.  No matter.  Watch, and enjoy.

End.

America’s Team

I’m a big fan of www.espn.com.  I know you might find it difficult to believe, but if you go there you can find slightly more content than you will here, better and shinier pictures, and…you know, reporting.  They also have lots of fun things to do, like polls, which are my favorite. 

The last couple of weeks they’ve been doing polls in order to determine who, exactly, is “America’s Team.”  I think this is a brilliant idea…because seriously, Cowboys fan…your team might be your team, but they are certainly not America’s Team. 

I, personally, would make a case for the Steelers.  That is neither here nor there.  This post is going to be based entirely on facts. 

Fact: “Nobody is America’s Team” was the winner. 

Fact: For fun they also did “Who do you hate the most?”  The second place finisher was the New England Patriots.  Who beat them out as being the single most hated NFL team?  The Dallas Cowboys. 

It’s not like 50 people answered, either.  Hundreds of thousands of people responded, making me think it’s probably pretty representative. 

My faith in America has been restored. 

So, please, PLEASE! I’m begging you, Cowboys fan, sportscasters, writers, bloggers…everybody…just stop with this America’s Team nonsense when talking about the Cowboys.  The people have spoken.  It’s over. 

“Charlie, what is the point of this post?”

There’s not much of one.  It’s mostly just a cheap shot at America’s (most hated) Team.

End.

Dodgeball, Participation Trophies, And The Softening Of America

As you may or may not know, I recently concluded a lenghty stay in San Angelo.  I was hoping to play a lot of golf, but the raging heat saw to it that I wouldn’t be doing that.  On any given day during my stay you could walk outside and within 5 minutes be sweating like Michael Jackson at a boy scout convention. 

What?  Too soon?

Anyways, to occupy my time, I decided to swap bedrooms in the house.  For many years I have coveted the bedroom facing the street, and since I had the spare time, I took all the stuff in there out and moved my shit in.  In the process I came across some relics from the good ol’ Bonham days.  One of which was an achievement certificate from 1995, from PE class.  Apparently one day I successfully jumped rope 30 consecutive times.  That got me to thinking about all the good times in elementary school PE.  Most notably…yeah, some of you know what I’m talking about……dodgeball.  It was pretty much assured that at least once a week during my 7 wonderful years at Bonham that for half an hour we would be encouraged to take some rubber balls, run around with them, and with the proper amount of speed, power, skill, and mean spiritedness…hopefully smoke somebody right in the face.  In all my life, very few things have been able to equal the fun level of dodgeball days.  You could pretty much lump your dodgeball players into one of three categories. 

1.) Aggressors:  These were typically guys.  Most often assholes.  In some cases the quiet type who enjoyed the time to take a little bit back from some of the douchebags that were kinda mean to him/her for no real good reason (Jason Bodiford…do you read my blog??).  There were also a handful that fell into this group despite not being particularly interested in the game, but because they refused to become part of group 2.

2.) Pacifists:  These were almost exclusively your outcasts.  They are the ones picked on constantly, weird in many different ways, and not physically capable of succeeding in a game of dodgeball.  They lurk at the very back of the playing area, hoping to Christ that everybody just forgets they’re there.  The 30 minute dodgeball game feels like days.  Have you seen Patton?  Remember the guy in the medical tent who wasn’t injured but “couldn’t take it anymore” because of his “nerves,” and Patton bitch slaps him over the head and calls him a coward.  That’s who I’m talking about here.

3.) Girls:  Nobody was ever exempt.  Everybody had to play, even the ladies.  Chivalry was not dead (yet), and unless a girl was obviously a member of group 1, the group 1 members were typically good enough to leave them alone. 

So those are the participants.  So how about the game dynamic.  It typically went like clockwork.  The group 1′s would be on the front lines trying to land a kill shot on the opposing 1′s, the 3′s would be congregated kinda together, and the 2′s would often be fixated on one or two guys they were particularly terrified of knowing they are dangerous.  Often the attentive 1 would realize he was not being monitered by a particular 2 and would launch a half court surprise attack.  If successful, tears would probably result, as well as much laughter and some high fives.  It was a beautiful thing, really.  Modern warfare amongst 6-12 year olds on the playground.  It built character.  It separated the strong from the weak.  It also served as an effective scouting tool for purposes of team picking for the recess football game. 

Dodgeball was a priviledge bestowed upon several generations of good honest Americans.  It builds all the developing motor skills at that age and develops character.  And now it has disappeared, thanks to a couple of moms who were upset because little Timmy couldn’t hack it.  Dodgeball does, afterall, promote violence, bullying, caused the Titanic to sink, and is a known carcinogen.  Please.  I played this wonderful game for years, and not once did I see anybody get hurt.  More people got hurt on the shoddy playground equipment than playing dodgeball.  Hell, one time I got hit right in the face and it knocked out a loose tooth I was too scared to yank out on my own. 

The same people who rallied for the abolishment of dodgeball from the playgrounds of this great land are the same assholes who have led to the playing of youth sports at the youngest ages…all sports…football, basketball, tee ball, soccer, literally everything…without keeping score.  And, my favorite…the participation trophy.  Because we don’t want anybody’s feelings getting hurt.  Can any of you really even fathom this?  I mean this whole nonsense came mostly after our youngest youth sports playing days.  Did everyone wake up one day and forget that in order to have competition, there must be winners and losers?  That when you lose, it is much easier to identify weakness areas and improve as an athlete and a person? “But it promotes team building and interpersonal skills, and good sportsmanship!” says idiotic mom of unathletic Timmy.  Incorrect.  Being on a team promotes team building and interpersonal skills.  Winning a game and telling an opposing player they fought hard promotes good sportsmanship.  Losing a game and congratulating an opposing team member for a good performance promotes good sportsmanship.  And, idiotic mom of young kid…if you were doing your job as a parent instead of worrying so much about the scoreboard saying 0-0 and the trophies for the 8th place team in an 8 team baseball tournament I bet little Timmy would be equipped to do those things.  

How are these lessons we’re now teaching our young athletes in any possible way good?  I can’t say for certain, but I bet when John McCain lost the election, nobody walked up to him, told him it was a split vote and him and Obama both get to run the country.  I also feel confident that when Dr. Whoever accidentally took out patient X’s wrong kidney, the nurses did not dress up as cheerleaders and do a quick rah-rah and present him with a trophy for giving it a whirl.  When Michael Crabtree caught that miracle pass against Texas, after the game Brent Mussberger did not go up to Colt McCoy and say, “It’s ok, son!  You’ll still be #1 in the BCS rankings come Monday.  And so will Texas Tech, and USC, and OU, and Penn State, and Florida, and ‘Bama!  Everybody is a champion around here!”  I can confirm this, I was there.

What in the hell is going to happen when the 5 year olds playing youth sports right now through this nonsense are finally allowed to lose a game…or worse yet, don’t make a team?!

These two developments, I think, are going to lead to an entire generation or two of weak willed sissies who have never won a game (or known it, anyways) or gotten hit in the face with a dodgeball.  Traits that will all come in real handy when we go to war with China in 30 years or so. 

So here’s what I’m going to do.  I am going to create a youth sports league, complete with all your core sports.  Score will be kept in all games, in all age levels.  Trophies will be awarded for 1st place only.  Maybe a medal or something for runner up.  To maintain eligability in my league, you must participate in one game of dodgeball as a team building activity at least once every 2 weeks. 

So friends, as we all near (or have already reached) child producing and raising times in our lives, keep this in mind, and don’t let your kids play in leagues that send terrible, TERRIBLE messages.  Do your part to make America great again. 

“Charlie, you are an idiot.  Your blog sucks, this was the stupidest post I’ve ever read.  Your life is an epic failure.  The opinions, thoughts, and stories you express in your blogs are proof that no god exists, because no just and loving god would create somebody capable of such absurd, innane thoughts.” 

That all might just be true.  But I don’t care.  Know why?  The Happy Good Feelings Fairy dropped by, and handed me this, just for trying.

Go me.

End.