As Vince Vaughn so eloquently put it in the modern comedy classic Wedding Crashers, “Can’t let a little pissin’ and moaning stand in the way of tradition.”
Truer words were never spoken. And as far as I can tell, we are closing in on damn near a full calendar year since I gave this lame little blog the love and care it so deserves. I’ve received complaints, threats, as well as indifference and, “you have a sports blog??” But none of this should stand in the way of a fun exercise I have participated in for what will now be the 6th consecutive year: looking ahead to the upcoming NFL season and forecasting the outcome with approximately 92% spot on accuracy. And by 92% I mean 3%. But I will persist, in the odd chance I happen to be right I can look back and say, with documentation, “I told you so.”
So, I have taken a glance into my crystal ball, and here, friends, is what I have seen:
AFC EAST
- New England- This is under the assumption that Sexy Tom changes his hair back. They’ll look more like the mid-2000′s Patriots than the 2008-2009 Patriots.
- Miami- I’m not buying into Miami being as good as everyone seems to think. They’re slightly better than average. Respectable, no doubt. But not a threat to do anything we’ll remember more than a week after the season is over.
- J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets!- Geez, when was the last time a mediocre at best team was this interesting?! Oh…right, Dallas every single season. No matter, Jets will linger around .500 all season, but count on Rex to provide cooler talk every single week. Whether you love, hate, or are apathetic towards these guys, you know you’ll be interested on a week to week basis. Will the defense be able to pull up the offense and the Sanchize’s guaranteed 3 turnovers per week? Has LT found the fountain of youth? Will the oppositions’ #1 WR get stranded on Revis Island every single week, like last season? Why can’t Hard Knocks just stick around all season???
- Buffalo- On the clock.
AFC SOUTH
- Indy- Whatever. We can hope Peytonface blows out a knee or something.
- Houston- Why not? With Matt Leinart, anything is possible!!
- Tennessee- I really wish I could put them higher, but I’ve looked at their schedule and I see exactly 8 wins. Of course VY has demonstrated that all he does is win, so I won’t be surprised to see them with 9, 10, or 11 W’s…but I find this scenario unlikely, although more tasteful than seeing Indy and Houston above them in the standings.
- Jacksonville- Quick, name one person on the roster not named Maurice Jones-Drew.
AFC NORTH
- Cincinnati/Baltimore- A cop-out? Maybe, but not really. One of these two teams will win the division and the other one will be an AFC wildcard. They’re both legit Super Bowl contenders. Collectively these two teams possess the most ridiculously dangerous bunch of ball catching receivers, tight ends, and running backs in the league.
- Cincinnati/Baltimore- See above.
- Pittsburgh- I’m very disappointed in the injury to Byron Slowmoves Leftwich. Steelers are much better off with Dennis Dixon, and thus have a better chance of defeating a certain Florida based team in Week 4. Nonetheless, even 9 wins might not be enough with Cincinnati and Baltimore in this division, but these guys are going to be a reasonably strong squad (and maybe not a bad longshot to take on a Super Bowl future at…I think 22-1. But gambling is a sin, so don’t do that).
- Cleveland- It’s not altogether unlikely we hear Fox’s 3rd string JV play by play team say this during the second quarter of Cleveland’s week 1 visit to Tampa: “After his 5th turnover it appears that Jake Delhomme is leaving Raymond James Stadium. And…yes, you can see Colt McCoy warming up on the Browns’ sideline as the Bucs offense takes the field…again.”
AFC WEST
- San Diego- They’re just kinda the winner by default. However, this division isn’t going to be the pillowfight it has been the last several seasons.
- Da Raydas- 9 wins and a playoff berth. You heard it here first.
- Denver- I genuinely feel bad for these guys. Injuries everywhere, grumpy players, a coach nobody is sure what to make of (still), and a fairly difficult schedule is going to make for a frustrating season. Of course, Tim Tebow might increase his minimum number of daily prayers from 30 to 45, and that might be good enough for 8-8.
- Kansas City- They’re still a team??
Now, onto the much more important conference:
NFC NORTH
1. Green Bay- Aaron Rodgers is poised to jump into the Manning/Brady/Brees conversation. Naturally, that will take a couple more, or 3 or 4 seasons, but we can all see it coming. He’s about to have a huge year. It might not be too far-fetched to think GB is the class of the NFC. If not, they’re def not far behind.
2. Minnesota- Again, kinda by default. They’re just not in the same class as Green Bay…mostly because of some injuries and because I don’t trust 86-year-old Brett Favre to remain healthy for 16 games. Still a good squad though, and Jared Allen remains one of my favorite guys in the league, both to watch and listen to. Maybe Percy Harvin should consult Terrell Davis on how to deal with migraines.
3. Detroit- That’s right! Not bringing up the rear. I love the direction this team is heading. Stafford is still a couple of years away, I think, but is still a more serviceable QB than Mark Sanchez right now. He could toss 2 TD’s per game to Calvin Johnson on accident. The offseason was spent trying to do literally anything with their atrocious defense, and I think some things were accomplished. Mark these guys down for 5 or 6 wins. It’s just a matter of seeing which teams needing a win in weeks 13-17 they’re going to REALLY piss off by beating.
4. Chicago- It’s a good thing the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, because this is going to be a long season for Da Bears. J-Cut has done less than nothing to show he’s improved any from his disaster of a first season in Chicago. He still has nobody to throw to. Matt Forte has had one real good season and one real bad season. One of them was a fluke, and I tend to think it was the former. Julius Peppers isn’t as exciting a signing as everybody thinks (although I’m still glad to see him out of the NFC South). They will be losing at home to Detroit week 1…and that will set the tone for a 4 or 5 win season.
THE BEAST
- Dallas- First of all, can we please lose this division nickname. It’s been a while since the NFC East has been the roughest division in the league. Today, the start of the 2010 season, I judge it to be the 4th best. Anywho…thanks to the fact that Donovan McNabb downgraded teams, the Eagles being stuck with a year of breaking in Kevin Kolb as a starter, and NYG being potentially really good or really, really bad…Dallas will have little trouble taking this thing down. Good thing you can count on a playoff gag just as you can depend on the sun rising in the East, otherwise I’d be concerned about having to watch them play in a Super Bowl at home. Luckily…not an issue.
- NYG- Really giving them the benefit of the doubt. They were painful to watch at times last year, but I’m feeling a little bit of a rebound. It could be enough to get into the playoffs, but it will definitely be enough to be better than…
- Washington- …whose anchor on defense is turning into a fat, less impactful version of (T)eam (O)bliterator. You can count on McNabb missing at least 3 games with some sort of injury. Just not enough weapons. And with Rex Grossman your pick me up should McNabb hit the deck…oy. It wouldn’t be shocking if McNabb goes huge and their 2003 all-pro backfield finds some lightening in a bottle, I still see a whole lot of big names producing a mediocre product in the nation’s capital.
- Philly- I don’t trust Kevin Kolb. I don’t trust Andy Reid’s play calling. I don’t trust their ability to deal with a really rough schedule (I count 12 games they’re more likely to lose than win, and one more that is probably a toss-up). DeSean Jackson will probably do some cool things though. And maybe Hank Baskett’s wife will get some facetime on the tube towards the end of their blowout losses.
NFC WEST
- San Francisco- Ok, last year I had the 49ers tabbed for a breakout year. I had the Cardinals falling off, and SF taking the division. I was only a year off, which really isn’t that bad. There’s always one team in this division that’s pretty good, and cruises to a division title because everybody else is so horrible. It’s clear who that is this year. Alex Smith is…aight. That’s ok, though, because he’s going to get the “Ok, Alex…just don’t shit the bed too badly and we’ll be fine” treatment. Crabtree is going to catch a grip of balls, as will Vernon Davis. Patrick Willis might end Sam Bradford’s career. They’ll have the division locked up by week 14.
- Seattle- Why not? They can’t be any worse than Arizona is going to be.
- Arizona- Why not? They can’t be any worse than St. Louis is going to be. This will be one of the biggest dropoffs from one year to the next any of us will have ever seen. Who’s that I see under center? Is that…Derek Anderson??? Does anybody remember that epic duel between him and Trent Edwards in that pillowfight the Browns and Bills had last year?? Possibly the worst game two professional quarterbacks have ever played against each other. Yet he’s the guy. Just to exemplify further how much Derek Anderson sucks…Cleveland fans are STOKED about Jake Delhomme. Jake Delhomme is an upgrade from Derek Anderson. By week 3 Larry Fitzgerald and Ken Wisenhut will show up at Kurt Warner’s door with a suitcase full of Benjamins, on their knees. And he’s just going to keep dancing, and the Cardinals will proceed to lose 11 or 12 games. But that’s still not as bad as…
- St. Louis- who have a rookie quarterback who looks a whole lot like a rookie quarterback. This isn’t a Joe Flacco or Matt Ryan or Mark Sanchez situation here. There is less than zero talent on this team, their #1 WR (who I’d never even heard of to begin with) is done for the season already, they have no offensive line to speak of, and an even less existent defense. I almost feel bad for them. ALMOST. But hey…maybe Danny Amendola will have a breakout year!!! Bahahaha.
NFC SOUTH
- Hotlanta- Still love this team. I had them in the Super Bowl last season, and that prognostication got derailed by some injuries and the fact the Saints decided to have a freakishly awesome 4 months. DESPITE that, the Falcons still managed 9 wins. Now everybody is 100%, and Matt Ryan, Turner, and Roddy White can pick up where they left off in 2008. We just need to get Jamaal Anderson to make a cameo at a practice to teach the Dirty Bird.
- New Orleans- History teaches us that defending Super Bowl champions have a rough go the following year. The Saints will fare better than most, but will still have what many consider a disappointing season. Don’t forget, since the divisional realignment, no team has repeated as NFC South champion. And so it will continue.
- Tampa- Everybody is drinking Hateraid when they talk about my Bucs. Kinda hurts my feelings. It’s not like it’s unfounded, but the truth in the matter is that everybody who has them pegged for 2 or 3 wins (that means you, Peter King, Mike & Mike, John Clayton, and Adam Scheffter) probably just haven’t taken more than 10 minutes to see what’s going on in Tampa. Which, honestly is also understandable. Nonetheless, they’re not as bad as everybody thinks. Last season I looked at the schedule and though, “Oh my god…I see ONE game we should win.” And I was spot on. Thank god I was emotionally prepared. This year, I see 5 very winnable games and a couple more that ae reasonable matchups. There will be moments of terrible. The starting lineup will have 8 guys in either their rookie or 2nd season. But there will be some big plays, some excitement, and some hope following the low point of my Buc-loving life that was the 2009 debacle. Like the Lions, the Bucs are going to piss some people off.
- Carolina- They’ll be able to run the ball like always, that much is sure. I’m just not sure they can do anything else. And in a pass happy league I’m not thrilled with the chances of a team whose field general is Matt Moore. But hey…anything is better than Jake Delhomme. Except Derek Anderson.
AFC Wildcard
- Bengals defeat Raiders
- Ravens defeat Patriots
NFC Wildcard
- Saints defeat Cowboys
- Giants defeat 49ers
AFC Divisional Round
- Colts defeat Ravens
- Bengals defeat Chargers
NFC Divisional Round
- Packers defeat Giants
- Falcons defeat Saints
AFC Championship
- Colts defeat Bengals
NFC Championship
- Falcons defeat Packers
Super Bowl XLV
- Falcons defeat Colts
And there you have it. We may as well not even bother with playing the season, because that’s the way it’s going down. Only…I bet I missed at least half of the playoff teams and probably 3 division winners.
So let’s just kick back and do the damn thing.
And let’s be sure to enjoy it. We might not get to do it again until 2012.
End.
